Bede Jr. emailed this week and said he will be back in the states on Oct. 29. I realized at that moment, I could breath again. I felt a physical release. A freedom.

It took me by surprise. I am practised at denial...why stress over what we cannot change...just don't think about the bad. I've had to do this many times in my life.

I remember the time I took all the kids to see daddy jump out of an airplane. Bede Jr. and Joanna were young and Andrew was just a few months old. Bede was the jumpmaster, which means he would be the last out of the plane.
Lots of soldiers jump out of the plane, so usually we never knew which one he was, but this time we knew. The kids and I were parked on a bluff overlooking the jump area. We were about 1/4 of a mile away. Joanna and Bede Jr. played in the dirt while we waited for things to begin. We saw the plane, we saw the jumpers fall out one after another, shoots deploying. We saw the last man out. "That one is daddy" I said to the kids. We watched his shoot deploy fully and followed him as he decended. He hit the ground hard, he did not get up. Soldiers ran over to him. I suggested to the kids that they go back to their hotwheels in the dirt. They had no worries...
Bede still did not get up. We were far enough away that I really couldn't see what was happening. I did see the ambulance drive up to him. It blocked my view of Bede. I stood and watched for what seemed life an eternity. Nothing happened. No loading him up, no lights and sirens...nothing. I told the kids, who were blissfully unaware, to pick up their toys and get in the car. We went home. I honestly felt that he was either ok, or dead. Either way I would hear soon. I fed the kids and tried very hard to be normal. 3 hours later, there was a knock at the door. Before I could get to it, in walked Bede. He looked unscathed. I went up and gave him a big hug and then smacked him on his arm for scaring me to death. He winced in pain and told me he had landed hard on his shoulder and dislocated it. They did take him to the hospital, put his shoulder back in place and he had taken off his splint and sling before he walked in the door because he didn't want to scare me...DIDN'T WANT TO SCARE ME !!!! Are you kidding? I was ready for the chaplin to drive up and give me the bad news. Why didn't he call? Again...didn't want to scare me! That's when I did get scared. When I knew it was all ok, but how close we may have come to disaster.

Then he deployed to Iraq, Bede jr deployed to Iraq, then deployed again. Yes denial...it's the only way. In my heart I know they are in danger, but on a daily basis, I must believe all is well. I realized long ago that falling into the well of fear and self pity does no good. Pray, pray, pray. Believe all is well. Trust in the will of God. Go on.
Bede Jr. will be home at the end of Oct. Thank God. I can breath again!